Help

This can't be real

who am I really? Friendships come and friendships go people love and hurt and traumatize. I live as a consequence of all the burdens I carry and I make due, even though it's been three decades of coping and it's getting tiresome.

I wonder if he stays up at night restless over the guilt of what he did to me Probably not, all things considered You need to have a heart to have a guilty conscience, after allI wonder what's gonna happen to me in the next ten years of my life dunno if I'll even live that long that being said I'm surprised I lived this long so who knows

Core Traumas

Molestation

Age: 6-11 years old

Perpetrator: Uncle

Probably the worst thing that ever happened to me,,even the thought of this man touching me makes me feel so sick and so anxious it hurts. This absolute disgusting man, recorded, photographed, and most likely shared my abused body. I hate that. It's all still out there, and my abused young body is being jerked off to as I type. It will never stop; I will be sold even after I'm dead. This is the catalyst. I never had a chance.

Molestation

Age: 8

Perpetrator: ???

I know it happened, but the perpetrator is missing, a big blur, I know it was a male in my imediate family. I know it was a thunder storm, I know I wasn't sleeping in my own bed. Was it my dad or older brother? I don't know and that scares me

Suicide

Age:14

There was no perpertrator. No there never could be. My sweet sweet fox. Charming, sweet, musical, and talented. I miss the hours we'd spend talking on the phone, sneaking out, our midnight walks that ended at dawn with hugs and kisses goobye. It was always so hard letting go of you even in those mundane moments. I will now be haunted by your escape. I don't blame you fox, I am not anrgy. I miss you. I will have to remember you for longer then I got to know you. I don't think i'll ever comet to terms witht that

Abuse, Sexual assault

Age: 15-19

Perpetrator: Ex boyfriend

We where both just sick kids. I just lost someone dear, I was dyshoric, depressed, and still struggling. He was an undiagnosed narcissist with parinoid delusions. We where both looking for something, love maybe. I know he did love me, I won't deny that, no matter how sick and twisted it was he loved me; and I loved him. He loved me like I was dog that constanlty misbehaved, sometimes he was a complete contradiction with what he needed and wanted. But he always did protect me. From everyone. He was a barbed wire fence that was too small. Sure he kept everything out, but he sliced and cut into me for even the smallest movment. Sometimes I still wait for him, like a dog at the door.

Rape, Abuse, Sex Trafficing

Age: 18-21

Perpatrator: Ex boyfriend

I never thought it would be him, but looking back? The writing was on the wall, he was already bad. He never loved me, not in anyway that mattered. To him I was an obediant slave, a throphy to prade around. He could slap, punch, kick, and strangle me. He raped me, he locked me inside our aparpment, isolated me from friends and family, used my pets as leverage in his fucked up game. He held me down on the bed and strangled me when he raped me. I will never forget the coldness in his eyes. I was scared. He told me afterwards he'd really wanted to kill me.I know he was telling the truth. He wanted more then just to hurt me. He sold me... made me suck dick so he didn't have to work. Some of the coustmers where nicer then him, kinder, softer. I only eve hit him once when he kicked my kitten Atlas across the room. He held that against me, still does

Suicide attempt counter: 3

One day I'll fianlly be free